Wednesday, January 6, 2010

About that black hole of despair!!

(me, on our lil' holiday - reading Around Africa on my Bicycle by Riaan Manser)

It was great getting away for a few days and just relaxing, well, as much as you can while camping.  The weather did not play fair sometimes and on 2 of the nights we experienced very bad storms with terrible wind.  Wind and tents do NOT like each other.

So if you haven't figured it out yet, I sort of fell off the wagon.  My black hole just grew and grew and I lost faith in me.  I've discovered how easy it is to fall into old habits - habits which are hard to break.  Coke made it's way back into the house.  It came in slow and then just poured in - those 2L bottles just kept coming and coming and all willpower was gone.  It has been BANNED from the house - once again.   It is my achilles heel - but geesh - it made me feel like cr@p!!  There were times I felt so dehydrated after drinking it - that only showering or bathing gave me relief from the dry feeling - my body wasn't craving coca-cola but water instead and here I was guzzling down anything but good ol' H20.  Soon after the coke, the carbs started.  They came in Christmas Mince Pies and all other yummy christmasy goodies - bad, bad, bad!!  The fruit and veg took a back seat in this drama.  Everyday I told myself that I had QUIT (more about that further down) - I found every excuse not to ride my bike, head to gym or look after myself.  I kept telling myself that it was okay when it was not!!

I am slowly getting back on plan.  I am getting into the swing of things at gym and I've been missed - sadly, that makes me feel special - but HEY, I was missed.

So why the black hole.  Do you remember my big race - the 94.7 that I never finished.  I did just under 80km's and just couldn't finish - I was finished.  I knew that I had given it my all, I had been in the saddle for over 6 hours, my back hurt, my right hand hated me and trying to get on the bike was proving difficult.  I know I did well and just finishing 80km's after training on a bicycle for 4 months prior is nothing to scoff at BUT here I was hating myself.  I was a quitter!!  Through the rest of November and right through December we travelled alot on that stretch of road and frequently went under the bridge where I said that that was it - I couldn't even if I wanted to.  A constant reminder that YES, I had QUIT!! 

I just wanted a break - I didn't want to think about riding my bike, getting to gym or even what healthy meal to eat next - I just wanted what every kid doesn't.  I wanted a TIME OUT!!

Luckily not too much damage was done - and getting back on track has not been difficult.  The next 94.7 is 11 months away.  This time I'll be better prepared.

The journey of finding my skinny me continues and by having that one goal so many other's are achieved.  This is a journey and there will be bumps in the road, it is how I handle those bumps that will make the difference......

Enjoy the journey!!


Hanlie said...

I loved that book! It's such a good and inspiring read!

You may not have finished that race, but I think many people will agree with me that completing 80 km, especially at your weight, and having only trained for a few months, is positively HEROIC! Good heavens woman, you rock!

Having said that, I recognize what you're saying, because I tend to say the same things. For me it comes from being taught at a young age that I could never measure up. That I was just not good enough.

Good for you for getting back on the wagon. It's the best place to be!

Capt Elaine Magliacane said...

YOU DID NOT QUIT!!! You did ALL YOU COULD DO, and all you could do was ENOUGH!!!. I worked for an insurance company whose President wrote a book with that title......good motivational book actually...
Glad you've climbed back in the saddle, you're my hero on this don't you know... I'm back on the wagon now to... not going to meetings but logging my calories and trying to exercise (walk) 3 days a week...
I love your cat on a scale cartoon... too cute...

Carmen Isaacs said...

I am in absolute awe of you girl, don't sell yourself short!